I don’t really blog very often and I find myself thinking about why I don’t.
I’ve decided that, selfishly may I add, I only feel like writing when I think I’ll get something out of it; to feel better, or express some feelings that I can’t anywhere else. It makes me wonder what my blog will become – a view into the sad side of my mind, a library of negative thoughts.
But when I think of it, I tend to express my happiness in other ways. I am active. I go for walks, like to bake or cook and love to socialise with my friends. Maybe I only reflect on those things that keep me from my being happy and upbeat, and this is when I want to write them down.
Something happened this week which has made me think a lot about my friendships and what it means to call someone a friend. To me, now more than ever as I’m passing through my 20’s, I see having a friend as having an extended family member. I want to be able to act around my friends in the same way that I do my sisters or my brother. I want to be on the same wavelength and completely comfortable with the people I choose to spend my time with.
When I was younger I cared a lot about having friends and I spent most of my school days worrying whether or not certain people liked me or not. I grew out of it of course once I realised that there it was more important to be respected than it was to have a wide social circle. And now I am proud that I can get on with almost anyone I meet and, for the short term, accommodate many different personalities from different age groups and backgrounds.
When I say ‘for the short term’, I mean on a daily basis, like with work colleagues. Small talk in the corridor and a mid-afternoon chat when the laziness kicks in. This is what I like, pleasantries, being approachable and amicable with other human beings. It is the very least we can do.
But it’s when this line is crossed that I am a bit uncertain. I know how completely arrogant this sounds but I really do not need any more friends and I actually love my own company. The times I feel most content I will be out walking on my own, food shopping and planning what dinner I am going to cook for myself, listening to music or, like at this moment, reading/writing or just reflecting to myself.
The reason I am feeling a bit down today is because somehow I have become wrapped up in a situation I did not want to be in, and getting out is proving to be more difficult than I imagined.
It involves a girl who I work with. Someone who is very different to me on many levels, but who has somehow come to be one of these ‘friends’ which I said I didn’t want. It just started off with the odd trip to get lunch together and, as I sit at the same desk as her, talk of the weekend and friends/family. We share common interests, healthy eating, fashion, our idea of entertainment, but there are so many differences between us. For a start, she is not from this country. I am not saying that this is the issue, but the cultural difference is so evident when we are together. In any situation where English is not the first language, there is a gap in understanding. In humour, which I find is best expressed in the subtlety of sarcasm. In social eticate, which is key in achieving and maintaining a good reputation. And just in general, the shared understanding of how to behave and treat one another.
I mentioned earlier how I am an accommodating person, and I am very proud of this. Unfortunately, with this friend, I have accommodated my personality too much and ultimately accepted too many behaviours which I don’t approve of. Now something has happened with one of her friends, which has caused her to cling to me and want to speak to me even more that she did before and I am struggling with this. Gone are my days of escaping at lunch time and going for a stroll to a hidden park behind my building. I can no longer sneak out of the office at the end of the day unnoticed. We now go to lunch together, walk home together, and I wont mention the fact that we have been going to the gym together too!
I don’t know if this is normal or not but I am struggling with it all. I feel smothered and trapped and the worst thing is, I don’t know how to go about letting her know. She knows I have been acting strangely because she asked me about it. But I couldn’t say anything. All I want is my personal space back and a bit of my time back.
I feel like I can’t conclude how I am going to deal with this, so I will leave it here. I am happy I wrote this down and, no matter what my intentions, feel better for letting it out.
I will finish this when my mind is clearer.
Goodnight
A Little Bit Of Everything 