Author: alittlebitofeverything26

I don’t really blog very often and I find myself thinking about why I don’t.

I’ve decided that, selfishly may I add, I only feel like writing when I think I’ll get something out of it; to feel better, or express some feelings that I can’t anywhere else. It makes me wonder what my blog will become – a view into the sad side of my mind, a library of negative thoughts.

But when I think of it, I tend to express my happiness in other ways. I am active. I go for walks, like to bake or cook and love to socialise with my friends. Maybe I only reflect on those things that keep me from my being happy and upbeat, and this is when I want to write them down.

Something happened this week which has made me think a lot about my friendships and what it means to call someone a friend. To me, now more than ever as I’m passing through my 20’s, I see having a friend as having an extended family member. I want to be able to act around my friends in the same way that I do my sisters or my brother. I want to be on the same wavelength and completely comfortable with the people I choose to spend my time with.

When I was younger I cared a lot about having friends and I spent most of my school days worrying whether or not certain people liked me or not. I grew out of it of course once I realised that there it was more important to be respected than it was to have a wide social circle. And now I am proud that I can get on with almost anyone I meet and, for the short term, accommodate many different personalities from different age groups and backgrounds.

When I say ‘for the short term’, I mean on a daily basis, like with work colleagues. Small talk in the corridor and a mid-afternoon chat when the laziness kicks in. This is what I like, pleasantries, being approachable and amicable with other human beings. It is the very least we can do.

But it’s when this line is crossed that I am a bit uncertain. I know how completely arrogant this sounds but I really do not need any more friends and I actually love my own company. The times I feel most content I will be out walking on my own, food shopping and planning what dinner I am going to cook for myself, listening to music or, like at this moment, reading/writing or just reflecting to myself.

The reason I am feeling a bit down today is because somehow I have become wrapped up in a situation I did not want to be in, and getting out is proving to be more difficult than I imagined.

It involves a girl who I work with. Someone who is very different to me on many levels, but who has somehow come to be one of these ‘friends’ which I said I didn’t want. It just started off with the odd trip to get lunch together and, as I sit at the same desk as her, talk of the weekend and friends/family. We share common interests, healthy eating, fashion, our idea of entertainment, but there are so many differences between us. For a start, she is not from this country. I am not saying that this is the issue, but the cultural difference is so evident when we are together. In any situation where English is not the first language, there is a gap in understanding. In humour, which I find is best expressed in the subtlety of sarcasm. In social eticate, which is key in achieving and maintaining a good reputation. And just in general, the shared understanding of how to behave and treat one another.

I mentioned earlier how I am an accommodating person, and I am very proud of this. Unfortunately, with this friend, I have accommodated my personality too much and ultimately accepted too many behaviours which I don’t approve of. Now something has happened with one of her friends, which has caused her to cling to me and want to speak to me even more that she did before and I am struggling with this. Gone are my days of escaping at lunch time and going for a stroll to a hidden park behind my building. I can no longer sneak out of the office at the end of the day unnoticed. We now go to lunch together, walk home together, and I wont mention the fact that we have been going to the gym together too!

I don’t know if this is normal or not but I am struggling with it all. I feel smothered and trapped and the worst thing is, I don’t know how to go about letting her know. She knows I have been acting strangely because she asked me about it. But I couldn’t say anything. All I want is my personal space back and a bit of my time back.

I feel like I can’t conclude how I am going to deal with this, so I will leave it here. I am happy I wrote this down and, no matter what my intentions, feel better for letting it out.

I will finish this when my mind is clearer.

Goodnight

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, being enthusiastic about creating my own blog, I have decided to do my first post straight away.

I definitely think it will take a while to get used to writing to a non-existent audience, I’m sitting here now laughing at the thought that anyone will be interested in what I have to say, but hey-ho.

So I want to talk about my week so far. It started off so well. I’d booked some time off work a while back, so since Tuesday had been living the dream – getting up at whatever time I liked, having the usually-crowded house to myself, and of course, enjoying the quiet of the town when the majority were at work.

On Tuesday, me and my friend went into Camden for a spot of Christmas shopping. I like it there, how relaxed it is and how even though it’s only 20 minutes away by train, it still feels like I’m stepping into a different time zone. My friend took me to some vintage clothes shops which she had wanted to go to. I’m more of a plain-Jane so browsed the racks more in admiration of those brave enough to wear such garments than for potential additions to my khaki-based wardrobe. No surprises then that I didn’t buy anything – and to be honest I think my friend was more disappointed about that than I was!

On Wednesday and Thursday I took advantage of being able to visit the near-empty gym in the daytime. I still stuck to the women-only section, but felt that I could properly focus and get on with my workout. I struggled a bit when I first joined the gym. I would always worry that the other people were looking at me, judging either what I was doing or wearing. But I soon realised that people didn’t care. Anyone who joins a gym joins for a certain reason. They might want to lose weight, want to get fitter, want to build muscle, or  may be in recovery from an injury – everyone has different goals and their own plans to achieve them. I realised that it was only my own stereotypes of gym-goers which was affecting my outlook of myself. Now, even though I prefer when it’s quiet, I can work around others and appreciate what both they and myself are there for. My aim for the new year is to venture into the mixed section for a workout – although I’ll definitely be taking a friend for moral support when I do!

Thursday evening was my Office Christmas party and the first of that kind for me. I have, regrettably may I add, been to Christmas parties before but these have been in my old retail jobs and when I worked at a school. Now I work for a fairly large Retail company who practically owns half the offices on our road. Considering this, a sizeable venue in Central London had to be hired out to accommodate everyone and even then we were all packed in like sardines. As soon as I walked in I felt a bit overwhelmed. There were people everywhere, many I had never seen before, so didn’t even know when to begin looking for my colleagues. Thankfully I was with my 6ft friend who parted the crown and located our team from her birds-eye view. I’m not short, 5ft 5″ and was wearing a good 5″ heel, but I still think I developed some neck strain from the ordeal.

It was then really that the problems began, and things happened which have made me sure I will never go to a work Christmas Party again. Firstly there was the alcohol, the sheer volumes of it! I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this, and I’m almost 100% sure I’m not, but I always drink too much in situations where I’m uncomfortable. It starts off as a drink to calm the nerves, but when one drink doesn’t relax you enough, that’s when you up your intake. It really didn’t help that all our drinks on the night were free, but I know I should have had more control. The thing is, like a lot of people, me outside of work is quite different to me inside of work; and that extends to how I socialise. Outside of work, when I go out drinking with my friends I don’t normally feel the need to watch how much I’m drinking because I know the people around me and I know that they know me. But when you take the scenario of going out and drinking with work colleagues, unless you are completely comfortable and are always yourself at work, there are going to be some drama’s.

The drama’s for me were unfortunately to do with boys (a topic that I may discuss further in a future post) and in particular a boy that I will call ‘N’. Now N is not a bad person, he is very nice and we get on, but physically I don’t find him attractive at all. The problem is that for the majority of the night I had people I work with coming up to me and telling me that he was in love with me – not the best situation to be put in as you can imagine. My manager was telling me that he planned to speak to me about it, so immediately I was on edge wondering when that would be. As I stood and watched him belting out 80’s disco tunes I wondered if that was really the sort of person I attracted. To make matters worse I was also harassed for the evening by boys I will call ‘S’ and ‘U’. I wont go into detail but this again was less that flattering.

This admiration towards me was not something I felt comfortable with. At the age of 24 I haven’t had a boyfriend before and genuinely struggle with the concept of someone being interested in being my boyfriend. I think this might be the cause of some of my confidence issues; never having someone compliment you or appreciate the efforts you make. I’m well aware that you should not depend on someone else to feel good about yourself but I suppose this is another thing I need to work on. Anyway, my confidence took another knock when someone told a colleague – a fairly good looking one this time- that I liked them. Goodness me I was embarrassed. Embarrassed firstly that he had responded that he didn’t like me back, and embarrassed that he thought I liked him in the first place. This is the problem when you tell begin a sentence with “he’s quite good looking…” and the person you’re telling doesn’t catch the “but” that you had added a moment after. All in all I am not looking forward to work on Monday!

And that’s even if I make it to work on Monday. So far my Friday and Saturday have consisted of alternating between applying an ice pack and hot water bottle onto a massive swelling on my behind (sorry to use this term but I really don’t like any other words for this part of the body!). As lovely as the party venue was, there was an awkward set of stairs leading down to the toilet which didn’t break my fall kindly when I lost my footing. I knew it must have hurt because it shocked me out of my drunken state. So that really was the icing on the cake!

I’m hoping I can enjoy the rest of the weekend now. The Strictly Come Dancing Final is on tonight (come on Danny!) and I have tomorrow free too. I’m really hoping this injury doesn’t stop me going to the gym for too long, I’m already disappointed that I couldn’t go today, but I need to think about how much more important it is to be mobile than to do 20 squats – although with my swelling at the moment, I don’t think I’ll need them!

Thanks for reading if you did, I feel quite relieved to get that down.

Kerry x